100 Truthful Statements
Spot the lie - you can't
I haven’t even started and I already regret promising a whole one hundred true statements. However, if I can write 10,000 words on how philosophy schools may view Pokémon, then 100 sentences and fragments should be simply enough.
I am not going to do research for this. The most I will do is Google a word to make sure I am spelling it right. Other than that, these are things I know that you know that we know. You know?1
From here down, I will tell no lies. All of these statements are going to be true in ways not yet realized or perhaps realized and yet to be solidified in concrete thinking. I pinky promise I am telling the truth. Watch, here’s the first one:
Every father I have met is older than his son(s).
See? But, we can make them more interesting too. Here’s a second one:
There is a certain height where a cloud becomes fog; usually more in relation to human interfacing as opposed to sea level.
Only 98 more to go!
Adolf Hitler is alive. He is a politician in Namibia, and a successful one as well.
Wow. It only took three for me to fulfill Godwin’s Law.
With a straw, you drink from the bottom of the cup to the top. It’s the same as how hair grows from the scalp, not the ends.
Two for one! Ok, I won’t interrupt as much from here on out. Let us continue:
If magnets point to their opposites, and the north pole of magnets point towards the Arctic Circle, then that makes that pole on the Earth the ‘south pole.’ The north pole of magnets would not point to another north. “North” and “south” don’t exist anyhow, like time or Anne Frank.
“Nothing” does not exist; at least not to humans.
The first perfect game in MLB history was thrown in 1880 by a pitcher on the Worcester Worcesters.
The length of a basketball player’s shorts does not determine which is better. Larry Bird was better than TJ Ford. LeBron James is better than Manute Bol.
The shorts needed their visual context. Clockwise starting in the top left: TJ Ford, Larry Bird, LeBron James, Manute Bol. Pickles are allowed on hot dogs so long as you slice, dice, mash, and blend them into relish.
There is no way that, when making perfumes, their first rendition employed whale vomit. The people who discovered that whale vomit works well for perfumes and colognes must have tried water with flowers or even (land) animal skin before ambergris.
We are all the same age.
It all depends on the unit of time being used. Whether someone is 6-months old or 96-years old, we can make them both equal zero. A year could be rewritten as 31.536 megaseconds (which are seconds on a 106 magnitude).
If we increase the amount of zeros to, say, 1012 (a.k.a a terasecond), then 1 terasecond is equal to 31,709.8 years. A terasecond would be 1,000,000,000,000 seconds (one trillion seconds) versus a megasecond, which is a million seconds.
In teraseconds, a 96-year old would be 0.00303 while a 6-month old would be 0.000016. If a ruler equaled 1012 seconds, the 96-year old would be at the 0.036 inch mark and the 6-month old would be at the 0.0002 inch mark. Both of those equal 0 inches. So, we are all 0 teraseconds old, realistically.
This is not a justification for pedophilia. It instead is an examination of how short life is.
I have that exact same Ireland flag in the basement. S7 E3 of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.’ The object in question is, in a way, every color except for the one you see. A red object absorbs all the wavelengths of light except for 625-700 nanometers or so. That means it holds all of the color except red which it is, in a way, rejecting. The same goes for all of the other colors.
Existence precedes essence.
Certain plungers have specific purposes. For instance, the classic plunger shape from cartoons of the dome works for sinks, not toilets. Instead, a toilet plunger needs a sort of flange or second-leveled extension to work. Also, syringes are plungers.
And while we are defining things: water is lava. Lava is defined as melted or molten rock. Ice, as it is considered a mineral, is a rock; a monomineralic rock. Water is melted or molten ice, making water lava.
English people used to call the other nationalities in the British Isles “sheep fuckers” or “sheep shaggers.” When doing so, they would often pretend to hump a sheep’s rump in front of an Irishman or a Scotsman, mimicking the supposed beastiality as a sort of middle finger. As such, the English were actually the only people who ever committed to or simulated fucking sheep, making them the sheep shaggers.
It is not just Australia who lost a war to birds. In the 1950’s, Mao Zedong ordered every sparrow in China to be killed. This ruined the ecosystem and led to bugs like caterpillars being able to relentlessly multiply and eviscerate crops. This was a leading factor that led to the Great Chinese Famine during which dozens of millions died.
If the United States wants to take some of your property through eminent domain, you can build a rickety structure on the land they desire and, in demolishing that structure, will owe you reparations for the damages.
Alcohol and benzodiazepines are the drugs that can kill you in withdrawal. Alcohol can lead to DT’s that involve symptoms like hallucinations, severe confusion, and seizures. Benzos also can include seizures; these are typically where the fatalities result from.
Opioid withdrawal is famously one of the most uncomfortable, sickly, and awful experiences for the human body. You will feel like you are about to die, but this withdrawal typically does not kill someone. And some people withdraw from opioids multiple times.
If opioid withdrawal is enforced too quickly even, the person can experience “precipitated withdrawal” which is essentially every symptom of withdrawal spikes to their highest intensities all of a sudden and all at the same time within the body. The sweating, body aches, headaches, nausea, diarrhea, cravings: they all hit together as hard as Barry Bonds.It feels gross to use the same deodorant on your nutsack and in your armpits, but that is somewhat ridiculous. It’s all the same skin, isn’t it? It isn’t like the deodorant is going in your mouth or butthole.
Getting a chest tattoo comes with the added pressure of needing to shallow one’s breathing so as not to disturb the artist’s hand.
Grammar is just a vibe.
Cormac McCarthy won’t use quotation marks. William Faulkner writes with a chaos that exists outside of literative rules like grammar. That charlatan Joyce once wrote a sentence in ‘Ulysses’ that is over 4,000 words long with only one comma. Virginia Woolf employed run-on sentences throughout ‘Mrs. Dalloway.’ When Lord Timothy Dexter received complaints that his “book” titled ‘A Pickle for the Knowing Ones’ had zero punctuation, he published a second edition which had a page added at the end with a litany of punctuation marks and instructions for the reader to place them as they saw fit.
You can do whatever you want even if that means ignoring punctuation that maybe could be helpful to use especially in a longer sentence or one which changes subjects so that the audience without confusion can follow along properly.Before the 1890’s, golf holes were all different sizes. Now, they are all 4.25 inches in diameter. Some used to be 6 inches in diameter. This measurement became the standard because St. Andrews and Musselburgh Links had hole-cutters that measured 4.25 inches in diameter and the R&A (the governing body of golf for the entire world outside of the US and Mexico) decided that everyone else had to follow suit.
This is also why golf courses are 9/18 holes in length. The Old Course at St. Andrews even was 22 holes at one point, but has been 18 holes for almost 300 years now. Shinnecock Hills, which recently hosted the US Open, began as a 12-hole course. Aronimink Golf Club, which hosted this year’s PGA Championship, started as a 9-hole par 36.5 course. Yes, ‘36 1/2’ was par.
In conclusion, 18 holes, par-72, and a 4.25-inch hole are all completely arbitrary measurements.You can be an asshole to anyone you meet. This may impact whether or not other people will want to meet you or be your friend but, on a hike, there’s nothing stopping you from answering “how’s it going?” with “worse now that I’ve seen your busted mug” or even simply “fuck you.”
I have had a piece of graphite in my left index finger since first grade. This proves that the human body can hold graphite safely in place without any deformities for 20+ years.
Comedians, such as Matt Rife, one-hundred percent hire people to sit in the crowd with prepared “crowd work” lines. Some of, or a lot of, the conversations seem a little too convenient or come to too clean of a conclusion.
Emil Cioran, in ‘The Trouble with Being Born,’ argues that it may be better to have never been born.
This has been re-oriented in this situation/scenario: when it comes to life on Mars, we are much more likely to think “at least no one is suffering on Mars” as opposed to “it’s such a shame nobody is on Mars to enjoy it.” This version of the dichotomy makes it clear that human beings are more averse to suffering than they are wistful for enjoyment. Avoiding discomfort seems more practical than manufacturing enjoyment. It’s very Epicurean in a way.
The truthful statement here is just that Emil Cioran presents the idea. The paragraph afterwards was written just for fun.If you look it up on Wikipedia, on Baseball Reference, on FanGraphs, or Baseball Almanac, or really anywhere on the internet or record books, you will be told that Barry Bonds hit 762 home runs in his career. He also hit home runs in two All-Star Games (1998 and 2002); they do not count to the 762. He hit 9 home runs in the postseason during his career. Those are not part of the 762. In the minor leagues in 1985 and 1986, Bonds hit 20 total home runs. In three years at Arizona State, Bonds hit 45 home runs. At Junipero Serra High (the same high school Tom Brady attended in San Mateo, CA), Bonds certainly hit home runs that were not tracked.
The truthful statement is that 762 is not the number of home runs Bonds hit in his lifetime thus far. Above, we see 76 home runs that are not counted and which would raise the total to 838. It is not crazy to think that through high school, Little League, during practices, in exhibitions such as his trip to Japan in 2002, Bonds hit 162 more home runs, bringing his total to 1,000 throughout his life. Even since retiring, Bonds has presumably taken batting practice. In 2016, he allegedly, at age-51, beat a group of Marlins players, including 26-year old Giancarlo Stanton, in a home run derby. I haven’t even counted MLB batting practices!
It is impossible to know how many home runs Barry Bonds hit in his life, but we do know 762 is as few as he possibly hit.The Earth is a ball of land with water on it; not a ball of water with land. If that were the case, then landmasses and islands would be floating structures. Instead, the ocean floor corrals the water and land rises above sea level.
52! (fifty-two-factorial) is the way of writing how many ways there are to organize a deck of cards. The total of 52! is reached by doing 52x51x50x49x48…3x2x1. In the end, it equals 80,658,175,170,943,878,571,660,636,856,403,766,975,289,505,440,883,277,824,000,000,000,000. That’s 68 digits.
If you wanted to say this number, it is: eighty unvigintillion six hundred fifty-eight vigintillion one hundred seventy-five novemdecillion one hundred seventy octodecillion nine hundred forty-three septendecillion eight hundred seventy-eight sexdecillion five hundred seventy-one quindecillion six hundred sixty quattuordecillion six hundred thirty-six tredecillion eight hundred fifty-six duodecillion four hundred three undecillion seven hundred sixty-six decillion nine hundred seventy-five nonillion two hundred eighty-nine octillion five hundred five septillion four hundred forty sextillion eight hundred eighty-three quintillion two hundred seventy-seven quadrillion eight hundred twenty-four trillion.
I can promise you are not appreciating how large this number is.Let’s start on the equator. You set a timer of 1 billion (1,000,000,000) years. After the timer runs out, you take one step. Then, you reset the timer. When it runs out again, take another step. Continue this process until you travel the entire equator and return to where you started.
After the world has been circumferenced, remove a drop of water from the Pacific Ocean. Now repeat that process: take one step every billion years and, once the nearly 25,000 miles of the equator have been traversed, remove a droplet of water from the Pacific Ocean.
When the Pacific Ocean is entirely dried up, put a piece of paper on the ground.Refill the Pacific.
Repeat this whole process. One step every billion years; once the equator is fully traveled at one step per billion years, remove one drop of water; keep doing this until the ocean is empty, then place a piece of paper down and refill the ocean; continue…
Do this for a long time: until the stack of paper extends from your chosen spot along the equator to the sun. THE SUN.
Look at the 52! timer. The left three numbers have not changed. They are still 806.
Ok, now take the papers down.
Repeat the entire process. Take one step every billion years and, once the nearly 25,000 miles of the equator have been traversed, remove a droplet of water from the Pacific Ocean.
When the Pacific Ocean is entirely dried up, put a piece of paper on the ground and keep going until the papers reach the sun.
Take the papers down again.
Do this 1,000 more times.
5.385x1067 seconds (out of 8.065817517094388×1067) remains. That is 53,850,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 seconds.
That means you are about 1/3 of the way done. 33.3% finished.
In 52! seconds, it will be the year 2,557,654,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,002,026.
You have no conception of how many ways a deck of cards can be shuffled. 1.5x1020 is the estimated number of ways cards have ever been shuffled in human history; every deck from every shuffle ever. 150,000,000,000,000,000,000. That seems like a lot. It is about 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000018596999% of total possibilities. There are 45 zeroes there.
The alphabet doesn’t need to be in any order. There is nothing inherent about ‘J’ that it should be listed before ‘O.’
Hay bales catch on fire in the rain. The centers of them ferment and this combusts into big ol’ flames.
When it is getting windy in the afternoon and the leaves on the trees flip upside down to expose their white bellies, rain is imminent.
Tungsten comes from a rock called ‘wolframite.’ That is why it’s chemical symbol is a ‘W.’
Using cesium-133 isotopes, a time unit of one second has been calculated so specifically that atomic clocks can tell the difference between a rotation of an electron. One second is exactly 9,192,631,770 oscillations of a cesium-133 electron as it moves from one energy level to the next.
Right now, time.gov tells me that my laptop is 0.056 seconds ahead of the true atomic time. This may seem dumb and weird to use cesium-133 oscillations, but it is integral for GPS to function at all. I heard so on a podcast.The chcolate chip cookie was 7 years old when the USA dropped nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki.
There is zero need for headlights to be as bright as they have become.
Dick’s Sporting Goods has recently highly improved the quality of their clothing. It all remains far too expensive, but they have some beautiful articles.
A successful tactic to not repeat yourself to someone who is terrible at hearing is to start by mumbling nonsensical syllables, knowing that they will ask “what?” and then you can say what it is you want to.
Don Zimmer knew what was coming for him and he deserved it. Whether Zimmer was 72, 27, or 172, he is old enough to know that if you sprint at the pitcher on the other team who is actively threatening to hit your batters in the head, then you are probably going to be thrown like a heavy rock off a bridge. Bozo.
The five best pitchers in MLB history are (in no particular order): Pedro Martinez, Mariano Rivera, Bob Gibson, Randy Johnson, and Greg Maddux. Rube Waddell is 6th.
Barstool Sports has become worthless. It runs on shams and perfunctoriness.
If you are going to touch something with your tongue, then you should be able to touch it with your finger(s) as well. But just because you will touch something with a finger does not mean that your tongue should touch it. One should be crucified and killed if they pick up dog poo with a plastic bag held by their teeth.
A hot drink should never be drank if its cooler alternative is available. Europeans abandoning ice in their drinks is the worst thing any of them have ever done. If not the worst, then at least in the top 10,000 worst things.
Margot Robbie in ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’ is the hottest any white woman has ever been in a movie.
Left to right: Knightley in 'Pirates of the Caribbean,' Larson with a fan who saw 'Captain Marvel' 140 times, and Robbie as Naomi in 'The Wolf of Wall Street.' I would also accept Keira Knightley; specifically in ‘Boston Strangler’ because I accidentally walked on their set one day in Boston and saw her down the street because I got confused between the 7-Eleven entrances. You can choice one of the ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ or ‘Pride and Prejudice’ or another if you will, but I have a bias. Or Brie Larson in ‘Captain Marvel.’
Rocking chairs are the optimal seating arrangement. Adirondack chairs are a close second. The worst is taking a knee in front of an angry coach after a loss.
It was very hard for me to not write “you won’t believe number 94!” in the title of this listicle.
“I actually no where I want to eat” is second only in using a picture that includes a snake as the best strategy to get your dating profile swiped left.
Donald Trump has been president for longer than Abraham Lincoln was.
In terms of temperature range (in Fahrenheit; the correct temperature unit for weather): -40 to 32 is frigid, 33 to 48 is chilly, 49 to 63 is cool, 64 to 78 is perfect, 79 to 90 is sweaty, 91-101 is oppressive, and 102+ is catastrophic.
Halfway through! Let’s go, friends!
The trolley problem is endlessly fascinating to consider as you dive deeper into its variants: from the steering wheel and lever, to the fat man and trap door, to the doctor’s decision and organ donor, to mathematical or relational differentiations, and beyond. I don’t care if that’s “basic.” The New England Patriots are more famous than the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers because they are better.
For what it’s worth: The China-Brain Problem and Mary’s Room are up there as some of my favorites as well.Despite what they will have you believe, you, in fact, could have made that TV show/movie/joke/sketch/book today.
Bryson DeChambeau does not hit the golf ball particularly farther than most pros. In his final year on the PGA Tour (2020-21), he ranked 1st (323.7) in driving distance: 4 yards ahead of 2nd place Rory McIlroy (319.3). By 2022-2023, McIlroy was averaging over 326 yards per drive. This season, 5 golfers (Aldrich Potgieter, McIlroy, Michael Brennan, Marco Penge, and Nicolai Hojgaard) average 323.6 yards or further per drive. Meanwhile, DeChambeau (313.1) is 4th on LIV in driving distance (behind three Spaniards in Jose Luis Ballester, David Puig, and Jon Rahm respectively). Ballester’s average of 319.1 would rank 11th on the PGA.
DeChambeau fools fans into thinking he is hitting up to three clubs shorter than the other pros around him because of his unorthodox and deceiving club builds. For instance, a PGA Tour player will have a driver lofted anywhere from 8.5 to 12 degrees. DeChambeau’s is at 6 degrees. His 3-wood is 10 degrees; a strong driver loft.
He 3-D prints his own series of irons (because he wasn’t annoying enough already) and these are the lofts of a few of them:
Mind you, most of these have extended shaft lengths as well. For comparison, I play Titleist 716 AP2 irons. Here are the lofts for these irons: a standard set of lofts.
His 5-iron is essentially a 1 or 2-iron. His 6 is a 3. His 8 is a 6. His pitching wedge is an 8.5 iron essentially, slotting right between an 8 and 9.
When the announcers glaze that DeChambeau is hitting an 8-iron from 200 yards while his playing competitors are hitting 6-irons, that is because his 8-iron is a 6-iron.
Again, like the rest of golf, the club names are arbitrary. There is supposed to be some consistency so that this confusion does not happen. But even the Ben Hogan company stamps their pitching wedges with the letter ‘E’ because Hogan himself called his pitching wedge an “equalizer,” so the company employs an “equalizer wedge.”Letting a dog bite your hand a little bit is actually fun. I don’t know what these mail folks are so scared of.
Left: a 16-year old German shepherd-lab mix. Right: a 2-year old Great Pyrenees-Doberman mix A bubble is not a solid. It is a globule.
It goes Water Country first, then Whale’s Tail, then Water Wizz.
Mike’s is the premier pastry shop in Boston. Then Modern. Then Bova’s.
Hitting a golf ball 300 yards sounds impressive. About 4% of amateur golfers can reach that deep. But, there are 29.1 million amateur golfers in the US alone. That means there are 1,164,000 golfers who hit the ball 300 yards in this country alone. Over a million. That’s about the population of Jacksonville.
I may not remember the waiter/waitress’ name, but you bet your sweet ass I am going to say “please” to end every sentence.
There are eight levels (from 1 to Ω) in which Yankee Candle scents range in terms of abstraction. Level 1 is scents like black cherry while Ω has scents like sweet nothings.
I used to think that Yuengling was the name of a Chinese beer company. You can imagine my surprise in learning Yuengling, and not Sam Adams, is the oldest beer brewery in America.
Artificial intelligence is bad.
Since the NBA instituted a 3-point line in 1979-80, there has only been one time when a player between the ages of 20-29 scored 50 points, had 5+ free throws and 11+ rebounds, and committed 8 or fewer turnovers while playing for a team that missed the playoffs on the road on a Sunday in a regular season game which their team won: Anthony Davis of the New Orleans Pelicans on Sunday February 21, 2016. He had 59 points, took 10 free throw attempts, only turned the ball over twice, and grabbed 20 rebounds in Detroit during a 111-106 win over the Pistons. The Pelicans finished the season 30-52, 12th in the West.
Don’t believe me? Look it up. I used Stathead Reference.The only NBA players since the merger in 1976-77 to ever score 33-39 points in a game on Christmas while they were ages 33-39 (the age range historians believe Jesus to have lived to) is a list of names to behold. Kobe Bryant (2012), LeBron James (2021 and 2022), Steph Curry (2021 and 2024), and Patty Mills (2021). The Mount Rushmore of NBA players if you ask me.
An NBA player has scored 69 points one time in NBA history. Michael Jordan on March 28, 1990, in a 117-113 OT win against Cleveland. No Division-I men’s or women’s basketball player has ever scored exactly 69 points in a game.
Ok, we can move on from the meaningless NBA stats. But look any of those up. They are true.
The Vampire of Sacramento, Richard Chase, was a serial killer, cannibal, and necrophile in the 1970’s who committed his crimes under the assumption that an unlocked door was an “invitation” to enter. He even went to one woman’s house that he ended up walking away from after finding the doorknob to be locked. Lock your doors at night.
Scott Morrison was the prime minister of Australia from 2018-2022. In 1997, when he was 29 years old, Morrison is said to have shit his pants inside a McDonald’s in Sydney.
During his sexting scandals from 2011-2017, which later registered him as a sex offender, former US Congressman Anthony Weiner (a.k.a Carlos Danger) sent a selfie of himself to a woman with a caption where he described himself as “deceptively strong like a mongoose.”
“Mongooses” is the plural for mongoose.
White people should avoid getting cornrows like the plague.
Bookmarks are far, far superior to dog-earring pages. What if someone else wants to read the book or you want to revisit it? Now, the original dog-ears are unreliable and can be confusing.
It probably does make more sense to be vegan. The water consumption equivalencies between raising cows and chickens versus corn and wheat is undeniably a powerful argument. But what do we do then with the cows? Do we slaughter all of them and force livestock into extinction? Or, do we let them roam like squirrels, considering the goal here is to not use water on them? Imagine a big ass cow walking down Tremont St. in Boston or across the Brooklyn Bridge. I know they make it work in India, but they’ve been doing it for millennia and built themselves around the dangers and occupations of cows. Think of when Sweden all of a sudden switched the side of the road they drove on (H-Day) and the immense chaos and gridlocks it caused.
Capitol Hill would be leveled and pissed on if the government tried to publish phonebooks for the first time in the 2020’s. The proposal: we make a book with the name of every single person in town (first and last) - including you - alongside their exact home address and their phone number. And the book will be given to every house free of charge.
I don’t like it when the US plays in global competitions against non-English-speaking teams. Hear me out: when the US played, say, Belgium in the World Cup recently, the US players needed to use English to communicate. The Belgian players understand English. However, because we refuse to teach students languages at early ages - for better or worse - the Belgian team can speak one of or a combination of Dutch, German, and French, which I guarantee the Americans can’t speak.
They can share secrets out in the open. The Americans have no way to secretly strategize while the Belgians can call the US players slurs and make secret plans right in front of their faces and then score 19 goals to the USA’s 9 (since 1930; including international friendlies).Elephants have the weirdest feet (or whatever the hell you call those stumps under their legs) in the animal world. Camels have weird hooves too, but think about elephant feet/paws/hooves. They have like weird fingernails and then are totally flat cylinders?
Only 25 left! Come on, boys and girls!
They remind me of amputees. It must have been impossible to get in trouble in eastern Russia from the time it was settled until Joseph Stalin. How in the world is Moscow going to control Khabarovsk or even Omsk in 1730? And if they did send an official…wouldn’t the townspeople just kill him? Sending a tax collector from St. Petersburg to Irkutsk is a death sentence. I would think that collector is more likely to flee to Paris or Athens and take up residence there, faking their death or just leaving to escape Russian punishment.
You could do whatever you want in those eastern cities from 20,000 BC up until the 1930’s. I am sure the people would hold court in the street, but the autonomy must have been overwhelming.They say rugby is safer than football because rugby does not require helmets, so people are less likely to lead with the crowns of their heads like in football. I think that that makes logical sense, but collarbones must be snapped way more often in rugby. Breaking a collarbone is better than getting CTE, but there must be ways in which the padding helps football players, right? Will Smith was in that concussion movie; you would think that evidence of better safety would lead to a loss of padding, but Roger Goodell is a snake. He doesn’t care who dies or not.
When you watch cars in commercials, it looks like the wheels are rotating backwards because the frame rate or something is not fast enough to capture the true roll. I am not sure why this means your brain makes the wheels appear to be in reverse, but it is unbelievable that they have been doing car commercials for 80+ years and they have yet to overcome this flaw. I cannot remember seeing James Bond drive in a car where the wheels seemed to go reverse. The technology obviously exists.
I was apprehensive to play baseball again last summer with the fear that I was going to get hit with a line drive - a fear I have never had before surrounding baseball. Between the ages of 8 and 18, I probably pitched 1,000 innings if not more and never once got hit like that.
Unrelated - the commissioner of the league I played in last year came up to bat against me 4 times, and I hit him 3 times; twice with a fastball and once with a curveball.
Related - twice when liners came back towards me last summer while I was on the mound, I stopped the ball with my bare hand as opposed to using my glove. I wish my instinct was to use the leather, but I used my pitching hand on defense out of pure reaction. On one of them, I was certain I broke my hand; the umpire, my “coach,” and the opposing coach all came up to the mound, as well as my catcher, to come call me an idiot and to see if my hand was okay. I kept pitching for two more innings. I had not actually broken my hand.In Florida, at least in Gainesville, you can buy chocolate bars laced with shrooms from smoke shops. And they actually work.
It’s so strange that people born in the 1970’s are 50+ years old because they’re supposed to be in their 30’s in my brain. It is still 2007.
More things should be named akin to ‘Rocky Mountain oysters.’ They aren’t oysters at all; they are bull testicles. We could rename haggis to ‘Cinderella’s Locket’ to veil the fact that it is sheep stomach stuffed with wool or whatever else a sheep is made of. Bird-eating tarantulas could be renamed ‘Scampering Tendies’ and would be much less scary. Basically, we have chances to name things that give more opportunities to drop facts like “did you know Rocky Mountain oysters are actually made of bull ballsacks?”
Arabic numerals are shaped the way they are because that is how many angles they were originally made of.
Spongebob is the most creative show that has ever been created.
40 statements ago, I pointed out the hottest white women in movie history. For TV, Jennifer Aniston as Rachel Green is for sure the hottest, but I could understand Julia-Louis Dreyfus as Elaine Benes. Emilia Clarke as Daenerys Targaryen may also be acceptable, but I haven’t watched ‘Game of Thrones’ so I can’t say for certain.
Rachel versus Elaine: Fight to the Death! Being burnt alive is probably the worst way to go. I cannot imagine how Thich Quang Duc sat so still during his self-immolated demise.
Sometimes I think I should run for some sort of office in town or in the county. If I won and became a politician, then I could make a moderate salary without needing to do a single thing. The D.A.R.E. officer in Whitman makes over $200,000 per year and a bunch of kids still do drugs.
It is considered child abuse to name a baby something like ‘I<3EatingButt,’ but it should also be illegal to name your kid something like David E. David (a Boston area dentist) or Phillip Phillips (winner of American Idol Season 11). I understand it’s a Nordic tradition to have names like Gustaf Gustafsson or Erik Erikson, and I would give those a pass. But it would be abusive if I named a child of mine ‘Murphy Murphy.’
If the interim manager for the Red Sox had a daughter named Tracy, I’d send him back to Worcester in half a heartbeat with a bat up his ass.The dentist said she wanted to take out my wisdom teeth because there could be a chance they hurt in the future. Sure - and while we’re at it, let’s get rid of these tonsils, my appendix, and this gallbladder. They might hurt in the future, so let’s just do a bunch of surgeries.
I still have my wisdom teeth.This is just the final 10. They could be the top 10, but we’ve reached the 90’s.
Nickname rules: if the name ends in ‘y,’ remove it. If the end lacks a ‘y,’ add one. John becomes Johnny and Murphy becomes Murph and so on. Matt becomes Matty. Patricia is Patty. Lily drops to Lil. Emily strips to Em.
The Yankees suck.
“Babe” and “baby” are the most cringe pet names between couples. Using “babe” unironically is a red flag, without a doubt.
A Lysol bottle can be squeezed to fit into a human rectum. I have seen x-rays of exactly this.
According to Catfish Cooley, both the cheapest dog food in Walmart and the most expensive taste like shit.
Arkansas is not a real place, dude. Boston is better than Philadelphia. New York is worse than Boston, but better than Philadelphia. Los Angeles is worse than New York. Charlotte is better than Philadelphia.
The order is Boston, Charlotte, New York, Philadelphia, Los Angeles. I haven’t been to Chicago, but it is probably between Charlotte and Philadelphia. Orlando is worse than LA.Wet brain is hysterical. At a rehab in New Hampshire, I was sitting around a fire pit we weren’t allowed to light with some other people. One guy, Jimmy, was sitting quietly. I assumed he was listening to the five or six of us talking. We were probably talking shit about one of the counselors in particular or how one of the other patients stole a golf cart on the mountain. Anyway, we came to a lull and Jimmy let us all know what was working through his wet brain: “Not a lot of kids named Adolf these days.”
I would prefer to think we are muscles that pull bones as opposed to a skeleton that sloshes through muscles.
It is the NBA, the NFL, the NHL, but it is MLB. Not “the.” It is not ‘the Major League Baseball.’ It is ‘Major League Baseball.’ Technically, ‘the NASCAR’ would be grammatically fine, but NASCAR sounds enough like a noun itself that ‘the’ isn’t required.
On Saturday, June 27 of this year, I reached 1,000 days since my last drink (Oct. 1, 2023). We’re at 1,025 now2. I am so irrationally and unbelievably upset that my last drink was a Miller Lite of all alcohols. Not a Jack and Coke or Sam Adams or anything cool. Fucking Miller Lite.
The Red Sox are going to win their 16th straight game tonight.
We did it!! 100 truths!
They asked me what I was going to do if I didn’t get to 100. I guess we’ll never know.
This is actually not truthful. I Googled several things during this list.
That one felt weirdly sentimental and I do not mean this to be a “everybody clap John on the back now!” moment. But, I did think 1,000 days was pretty cool. A little overshadowed by a funeral the day before, but still cool.
Again, this is feeling oddly emotional down at the end here, but I also did not want to hide it at like number 62. I didn’t even think of it until I got here to 99. It feels more appropriate here.
It is not a celebration to get to 1,000 days; not to me. It can be a jollity but, after 1,000 days, the goal is the same as on day 2 or day 365 or day 617 - don’t drink. Day 1,025 may be a bit easier than day 25, but the goal remains.
Day 1,000 doesn’t matter if it is used as an excuse to relapse, frankly. I turn 80 in 2078. My 80th birthday will be day 20,072 so, if I want to keep this streak to and through 80, there’s a long way to go. On December 16, 2030, I can get to day 2,633 and beat Cal Ripken Jr.’s consecutive games played record.
this was a great read!