Eudaimonia is a difficult-to-translate word from Ancient Greece, employed by Aristotle as he so eloquently wrote, in Nicomachean Ethics, of happiness being the supreme goal of a human life with happiness resulting from living well. This is such an important word that its Wikipedia page has fourteen subsections on its use and meaning throughout philosophy and psychology from Aristotle’s pen through time until this paragraph and, surely, further beyond.
What I have to say is that I agree with Aristotle in that eudaimonia - a flourishing human condition which is to be the aim of any well-lived and virtuous life - should be the aim of any human life. Regardless of circumstance (either born into or chosen), the actions we take and the motivation for our endeavors is that of happiness.
Here can be an example: Why did you go to work this morning? So that you could continue your employment and continue to get paid. Why do you need to get paid? Because things cost money. So? Well, necessities are required to meet the basic tenets of a modern life - toilet paper for bathroom visits, soaps to clean, various ingredients to concoct meals, etc. Why are these necessities required? No one wants to walk around with a shit-filled ass or to go hungry. Why not? These states bring discomfort and embarrassment. So, we go to our jobs to get money to buy things so that we can be…happier! And why do you want to be happy? Well, because I want to be happy; it’s better. (That’s a rudimentary and hole-filled example, but it showcases happiness being the end all for our motivations and actions).
Aristotle’s meaning for eudaimonia requires excellence in activities exhibiting virtues, which are means between extreme states - such as bravery being the mean between aggression and cowardice, and influenced by reason. A sub-development of Aristotle’s eudaimonia is that of practice. Essentially, everyone on Earth has a skill particular to them. LeBron James can play basketball, Bessel van der Kolk can perform psychological therapies and write books on said practice, Yo-Yo Ma is an enchanting cellist, etc., etc. Now, James is not the only basketball player, van der Kolk is not the only psychologist, and there are cellists besides Ma. But, each of these men discovered talents that they possessed and worked to harness their powers in each discipline to achieve in the highest degrees of their aims.
The men mentioned above (women can belong too, it just so happened that the first three people I thought of were men. Blame the patriarchy), maybe they will achieve eudaimonia. But, notice the luck that is also involved. In high school, there was at some point a player on his team, probably a senior during his freshman campaign, who was better than him - on the same team! And now, LeBron James plays for the Los Angeles Lakers and his formerly better teammate sells real estate or does construction or is the CEO of their own company. This is not to say that James’ life is better, more virtuous, or more valuable than his former teammate’s. This is to say that sometimes luck is paramount in eudaimonia. But, the point I am trying to make is that eudaimonia does not simply fall from the sky. It’s not an extra fry in the bottom of the bag. It is the result of rigorous, life-long practice in both virtuous behavior(s) and performable skill. The carpenter who practices being a carpenter the most will surely evolve to obtain new talents that make carpentry more enjoyable as compared to the desperation, embarrassment, and envy that someone like me, without any experience, would feel in trying to build a deck.
I now have an idea for the best path towards eudaimonia. It is not a get-rich-quick scheme for a flourishing life. Instead, it is a central tenet that can be used as a guiding virtue through which practice and continuous striving will allow for foundations of other virtues to be built. Now, I cannot go through every virtue in comparison with this one. Courage, prudence, wisdom, and justice may be the core four, but I cannot write and you would not read an analysis of every virtue. I just want to introduce a virtue which, once aimed towards, makes the assumption of other virtues and, most importantly, the path to happiness more secure. That virtue that I am talking about is belonging.
It may make sense for belonging to be defined first. As previously stated, virtues are means between extremes making belonging the average of loneliness and smothering. People may find that they want to experiment with the extremes, citing Henry David Thoreau as desiring loneliness (well, barebone essentials but that included a wooded loneliness) at Walden Pond and, say, Jeffrey Dahmer - a man who was so lonely that he would both venture to crowded clubs to be smothered by other men as well as smother the men who followed him back to his apartment, not letting them leave on their own accord. Now, these are physical examples of belonging’s extremes. More existential examples would be that of depression being personal loneliness, especially highlighted by a sense of detachment from a group. Meanwhile, codependency would follow smothering as the opposite extreme, relying so much on other people that you begin to lose who your self is.
Belonging itself is the sense of security and comfort, often accompanied by personal and inclusive confidence, with self as well as with one’s assortment of social groups from workplace environments to family, friends, and extracurricular circles (examples could be church, book clubs, or just the people who are at the same bar you happen to be at). Belonging means that a person is depended upon while not being incessantly overwhelmed. It is the feeling of reciprocity and generosity; one would do for the group whatever is required in both times of insistence as well as times of simple introduction or broachment. Belonging is what you feel alone, under a blanket being shared with a significant other. It’s what one feels when a joke lands at work and a coworker's eyes widen, accompanying an enthusiastic “I know!” Belonging is what it feels like to have a reliable family from whom advice and support can be reciprocated. Belonging is being comfortable socially and feeling secure enough in these social relationships so that constant nagging is not required to ensure the continued existence of a relationship.
Chimps belong to gangs. Whales belong to pods. Elephants have families and can actually die from broken hearts. Guinea pigs are legally only allowed to be adopted in pairs in some countries because of their need to belong. It exists in the animal kingdom. Belonging is as essential to animal life as a mother’s milk or a lesson on how to fly (for birds, of course).
The virtue of belonging is older than people and it’s also the basis for how society and civilization have been able to form. If everyone fended for themselves, would a city have ever sprung up between the Tigris and Euphrates? There would be no need to interact and adults would be lonely on wooly mammoth hunts or in thinking in whatever building block of language could be conjured in an individual’s mind. Without belonging, would language even exist? If everyone was on their own, would there be a reason to have a word for “snake” or “berry?” It’s an interesting question.
And we must also look at the opposite option that could have taken place: where early humans stuck together too much. There would be a king of the world and therefore, I’m assuming, widespread slavery. This is a bold assumption, so allow me to demonstrate my thinking. The first humans, let’s say the first ten of them, would have lived together as a tribe. What is meant to happen is that food inequity in doling meal portions as well as sexual dominance and in-fighting should cause portions of the tribe to break off as it expands in number. A tribe can only care for so many people before it collapses in corruption and competition. But, we’re assuming this does not happen. If the early humans were woefully codependent, against what nature tells us, not only would there be a great less number of people around the world, we may never have ever left the horn of Africa. Imagine living in this codependent, prehistoric culture. Everyone’s reliance on the work of the other members of the tribe means that little gets done, including reproduction as each person waits for the other to decide mating dynamics. Meanwhile, food can only feed so many mouths, so banding and remaining banded means that only a select few are allowed in the club (per natural selection; the “alphas” [I put quotations as alphas can’t really exist in codependency] eat first and the weaker codependents starve off and die).
In codependency, someone has to take charge and initiate widespread rules, a.k.a laws. The leader would be continuously looked towards as the tribe becomes a cult that expands until it can no longer support anymore people. I have no idea how many people this would be - call it a hundred, ten thousand, or a hundred thousand. No matter what, one voice has to topple those around it in a codependent relationship as the decision-maker. This person would inevitably become a solo leader, deciding exactly what to do for the entirety of the human race, secluded in Ethiopia and Somalia. Obviously, with one leader in charge making the decisions, we would call this a dictatorship. Look at any dictator - Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Pol Pot, etc. Concentration camps, gulags, internment camps, and the like spring up as some people are livingly sacrificed, condemned to a life of work meant to ensure the continuation of the leader’s goal(s). The leader is allowed to feel like they belong, maybe even among trusted associates, but the codependency means that people abide and force each other to work, into slavery. That is what I mean when I say that codependency (as the human race’s dogma) leads to a king of the world and slavery as an institution. So, it’s a good thing we’ve lived in this middle ground of Darwinistic belonging.
We even feel the need to help others feel their sense of belonging, demonstrating the universal knowledge that it’s important to belong and it’s essential for a communicative, social, fulfilling life of pleasure and accomplishment. That’s quite the statement. But, as you will see, it is my opinion that belonging is the central pillar for pleasure and it is the goal of every aim - the goal of each goal is to belong. The essence of belonging is so important to humans and to the stride towards happiness and, thus, eudaimonia that we impart it onto others, demonstrating its reciprocal properties in generosity. The joy, encouragement, and pride that are cousin to belonging are gifts that we each, as individuals and non-psychopaths, understand as being necessary for a better life, leading us to want others to bask in the same good life - because we’re social and part of being social is abiding by conventions such as sharing being caring.
I want to use an inconsequential example of belonging being shared before a more tragic illustration. Let’s continue with codependency. I had a friend who lived with a codependent roommate when they first moved to Boston after college. The roommate wouldn’t eat dessert, drink wine, watch TV, or even get out of bed on the weekends until my friend, let’s call her Abigail, would wake up. The roommate would do nothing until being led by Abigail. This is no way to live. If given the choice, would you want to live a life where your every move is dictated by that of someone close to you. Don’t you want to have a favorite movie because you like it, not because you’re copying the people who you confide with?
What are Abigail’s options? She can either let this situation continue and allow a loved friend and roommate to degrade themselves and recline into a life similar to that of a dog’s, laying in wait for every new want. Or, she could have a discussion with the roommate and friend and provide assistance in their journey to independence.
What does independence have to do with belonging? The old cliche says “be you, everyone else is already taken.” And it’s true! Each of us play a crucial role - whether that’s levity through laughter or responsible reliability - in the social ecosystems that make up society, culture, and civilization. Being true to who you are allows your house to be set in order before you’re able to visit the homes of others. Being independently oneself allows a person to establish their own goals with which they want to use to remain a fixture of their community - whatever that might entail. It’s happier to think with a truthful (in the sense of not being based on someone else’s perception) voice in one’s head.
They ended up having that discussion and I can report that they are happily living together still in Somerville. It’s been three years since that conversation and I recently spoke to my friend about her living situation. Abigail has said that the relationship has steadily improved the longer they’ve lived together and that, had the roommate friend remained codependent, she didn’t know how much more she was going to be able to put up with. Codependency does not just affect the perceiver; it also leaves a mark on the depended upon. The stress of having to decide for two people as well as the annoyance of being copied, followed, regaled, and (essentially) worshiped wears on a person and deviates them from their path to the goals they’ve set out - the ones meant to help them further belong.
The more tragic example has to do with loneliness. It’s not smallpox, malaria, cancer, or even appendicitis. No, I say that the scariest condition/disease that any person can have is locked-in syndrome. Caused by damage to the brain stem, locked-in syndrome is exactly what it sounds like: the person is locked into their own head. Entirely conscious and able to hear, feel, smell, and taste, the person cannot use their body any longer to communicate or move. They are solidified to solitary thinking confined within their own voice. Imagine a relative or a friend or yourself befalling this condition. What’s the first thing you would want to do upon hearing the news? Visit them, right? And upon visiting, what would the doctors say to do? Keep talking to them because they can hear you and are, most likely, terrifyingly ridden with anxiety and the hopes that they can remain connected to their friends and family. They want to hear from you because that’s all their world has become.
Eventually, this person will pass away as their heart stops and brain function ceases. But, while they are alive and imprisoned, the advice and the urge are to continue involving the person in talks - make them feel like they belong. In the worst possible scenario for a person’s consciousness (which can be argued to be the person’s self or the delivery system for the self, but that’s another essay), the remedy is to help them belong. Why? Because, with nothing able to be done, the cure is to help the locked-in person have the best, thus happiest, end to their life possible and the path to that happiness is paved with belonging. It could be argued that locked-in syndrome makes eudaimonia impossible, but that depends on your definition of flourishing in life.
Belonging is much more than just chatter, however. We’ve seen how belonging can relate to the conversation(s) had by people together or within the free confines of their mind. What we really need to pay attention to is how a life aimed at belonging can be a happier, more fulfilling, and/or more flourishing life. I’ll restate that belonging is the comfort where one gets to freely express themselves, understanding that they are surrounded by values shared by and with others in their orbit. Happiness, meanwhile, is the end all for actions - it’s the ultimate answer to ‘why?’
To get through the series of ‘why?s’ leading up to eudaimonia - a life encompassed by happiness - one must first belong to their own life. This can take the form of goal-setting and incremental achievement. We have done a lot of imagining so far, but let’s not stop. Imagine this: you are LeBron James. Ever since he was a child, I’ll assume, LeBron James has wanted to be in the NBA. He learned to dribble with his off hand to maneuver around defenders, learned to trust his jumping ability so that a dunk attempt wouldn’t end up in a last-second-second-guessing broken tailbone, and he played and played and played basketball games. Each step of the way, the goals may have been simply ‘beat dad in a pickup game’ or ‘win on Tuesday.’ But, the point is that I am certain LeBron James did not reach the zenith that he has because he accidentally stumbled upon ‘Sports Illustrated’ cover-levels of talent.
My point in saying this is to fail. Fail. Make mistakes and blunders and veer off course. What is achieved in goal-setting is an aimed directive. To win on Tuesday, James would need to practice on Sunday and Monday to ensure that his game is ready to go when it comes time for Tuesday. It is not the achievement of the goal that is necessary in order to belong, though it certainly does not hurt. The necessity is to have a purpose and a reason, a motivating factor - something that gets you excited to wake up - so that your life has aim. Then, so long as you are acting within the parameters of the steps towards achieving this goal, you can label yourself and acknowledge who you are. In December 2023, I published my first book. For the months beforehand, my goal was to write all of my experiences and then to succumb to a sneakily arduous editing process. Not every day was paradisal, but I could always find my goal and be able to say: “I am a writer.”
This goal can be as “lofty” as writing a book (it’s not really all that hard to do) or as simple as ‘I want to provide dinner for my home tonight.’ Author, dinner-chef, good driver, medicine-taker, basketball player - these are all roles that can be assumed in day-to-day life. What is important is to be able to have a label. Living without a label is living to waste time and you can't belong to a waste. By nature, a waste is the rejection of camaraderie. It’s the installation of discomfort and confusion. Not only that, but working on a goal creates a community to which you belong. In a similar vein to naming an emotion to make it easier to manage, creating a goal will label your life to simplify ambitions and narrow outlooks towards desire and need.
Goal-setting is essential to belonging because it unifies a life. A life confused is a life out of control. A confused Pokémon will even hurt itself! Setting a goal helps someone feel that their life has a purpose or a set structure. It is reason discovered in an endless sea of misdirections. With a goal, a person is able to build from a foundational base - setting a goal illuminates the steps necessary for accomplishment. This helps you feel a sense of belonging within your own life. We can obviously see how a strong friend group, a supportive family, or collaborative working environment can harbor belonging. These are what belonging means. The aim of a goal is to make life happier. Nobody would create a goal to “fail miserably, yet without lesson to learn from.” That would be asinine. Failing can be good on the way towards a goal as long as it is educational to the failer. Having a goal directs a life to a happier future in accomplishment.
Having dealt with mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, and OCD while fighting against symptomatic intrusive thoughts, I can tell you what it’s like to feel like you don’t belong in your own life. It’s the feeling that the world is against you. I’ll talk about my past self and say that it felt like nothing could go right and that was because nothing could go right. But, what I considered “going right” in these depths was the impossible expected. I expected to rid myself of mental deplorability with one action - to score five runs on one swing of the bat. The next drink, the next job application, the next horrible pickup line on a dating app, these were my attempts to rid my life of the sorrow that I diagnosably dealt with. Now, I still deal with those issues, some times more than others, but it’s goal-setting, and doing so properly, that can help alleviate those too big of swings.
Dealing with this kind of mental unbalance, I can assure you has led me to waste days and to wade through time, hoping for a miracle. But, of course, that miracle never came. Or, maybe it did, but in the form of years of therapy, medication assistance, vulnerability, and the (still working at) ability to ask for help. The expected miracle of Jesus turning my wine into water never came, though. I bring this up to say that happiness was the farthest thing from my life when times were at their most intrusive and darkest. Goal-setting helped, but goal-setting is not the only vehicle towards belonging.
Belonging can also be found in expression. I have this Substack. Maybe you have an art studio or a YouTube show or grad school classes within a field of your interest. Belonging can be expression in the sense that, with the vulnerability needed to express truthfully, inclusivity cannot be found in monotony. By identifying with those around one, a person can, obviously, include themselves within the group. This essentially parcels the mind. One does not need to always be the funny one in their group of fellow comedy fans, or the smartest one in their collection of fellow professors, or the bravest one in a room of recovering addicts. The duties of the mind can be split within the group, allowing for manageable tasks to be aimed towards oneself and the knowledge that reliance can be supportive and reciprocated.
The opposite of this kind of expression that I mean is reclusivity. That is not to say that one needs other people to express themselves truthfully. You could express your ideas to just yourself and feel relief in having “shared” them aloud. A person could harness talents, practice, and become happier all on their own. But, a more obvious way regarding belonging in this happiness is in the inclusion of like-minded or like-oriented fellows. To not belong in this scenario would be to keep oneself a secret, even from oneself. Refusing or ceasing to express could lead to a person’s departure from social life, forcing them to a darkened corner of unintended loneliness. Everyone needs their alone time or time to recharge. But, having this be enforced due to lacking vulnerability is going to veil the path to happiness through belonging.
Vulnerability is a keyword that I have used multiple times now. By it, I mean the forthcoming presentation of facts not yet apparent to others or oneself. Relating a story about a break up to a friend going through a struggling relationship, showing a coworker how to use pivot tables in Excel, and writing a blog of your own ideas to be shared are all forms of vulnerability. Vulnerability relates to belonging because being vulnerable not only gives oneself credibility, but also engages in an atmosphere where acceptance is harbored. “I’ll share this with you so, in the future, you can feel safe to share with me.”
And with vulnerability comes a similar echelon compared to belonging - self-confidence (or, at least, self-comfort - which could be arguably more important). Vulnerability helps with self-confidence because each instance of vulnerability is an instance of proving oneself to oneself. Each instance is the demonstration that one is capable and that enforces future instances for one to be confident within. But, how does self-confidence derive from belonging? First off, what is self-confidence? To me, self-confidence is the belief in one’s abilities to maintain or change standing in reputation and in self-image despite the risk of failure, no matter how imminent. In other words, self-confidence is believing that one is capable; in the same way that having confidence in a confidant means having faith in their skillset. This has to do with belonging because with a sense of belonging comes self-confidence. As someone with low self-confidence (generally), I look from an outsider’s perspective and assume that faith in oneself and in the idea of failing seems, to me, to be happiness incarnate. And, let it be said, in each instance where I say self-confidence, I want it to be invisibly accompanied by ‘self-comfort’ a.k.a the acceptance of oneself despite failure’s risk.
Self-confidence may be the best example of feeling happiness or its best representation. With this being the aim of our lives, belonging can help lead us there because self-confidence can only be discovered when one feels they belong. Safety is what needs to be felt in sharing ideas or in attempting action. In loneliness, this can be felt as it does not have to be seen by others. But, in the company of others, even trusted friends, self-confidence can be hard to come by. Is this because the feeling of belonging is not being properly harvested? In this case, a group or community is being imagined with you as a figure inside of it. Being a part of this community, a sense of belonging would correlate with a properly or helpfully inflated view of oneself. Feeling like an appreciated member of the group gives one the moral support as well as the encouragement needed to try - to try and succeed as well as try and end up failing. Notice that it is appreciation and not assisted vanity. It’s the giving of flowers, not the unnecessary pumping of tires.
Eudaimonia is the goal, happiness is the vehicle for eudaimonia, and belonging is the central tenet that makes happiness available or worthwhile. Belonging is so vitally important because, without being able to call anywhere home, a soul will traverse the world without ambition, without confidence, and without joy. It will be as if one is lost in the desert. And what’s the first thing you would bring to a deserted island? Probably your phone to either stay in touch or get rescued and return to a life where you belong (and belong with someone better than a volleyball). To belong is to be seen, to be known, and to be loved. With belonging comes love either for the endeavor or for the person. Without love, belonging is simply participation. And, to me, love is the most important thing we have. It determines the quality of our limited time here (self-love exists too!).
I’ll end my incoherence by continuing to restate that belonging is what determines how we find the lifelong (more than) happiness called eudaimonia. Through a search to belong and through the vulnerable confidence which accompanies belongingship, one’s life can be aimed towards worthwhile, meaning, and love. Take it or leave it: my advice is to discover your expression and attempt it. The worst thing that happens is you’re back to where you are now. But, finding belongingship is what will discover happiness.
Where else can people get references to Pol-Pot, Pokémon, Jeffrey Dahmer, and Yo-Yo. An excellent piece from an excellent man, and I learned a new word today. Be vulnerable, make mistakes and find your niche.
No no one wants to walk around with a shit-filled ass