The Red Sox (continue to) Ruin Lives

Rafael Devers is gone

You have got to be joking me. This hit me like a tractor trailer to the mouth.

Before we get too deep into this, let me state as such: it’s “Fuck Craig Breslow” until the dirt hits my casket. This is unforgivable.

However, it’s been brought to me by sources that Rafael Devers quietly requested a trade when Triston Casas went down and the idea was floated by him of himself playing first base after spending an offseason being told he’d be playing third base (supposedly) before Alex Bregman was signed to play better third base and Devers had to begrudgingly move to the designated hitter’s spot. The Red Sox have been listening to offers on Devers for weeks now to this point.

The next moves HAVE TO BE to extend Bregman (in response) and then to lock up Marcelo Mayer and Roman Anthony for the foreseeable future. I’m saying like nine and ten year deals for the youngsters and, I don’t know, seven? for Bregman.

Zero players remain in Boston from the 2018 World Series winning team. And they all have seemingly moved to the NL West: Xander Bogaerts went to San Diego, Mookie Betts was traded to the Dodgers, and now Devers is in San Francisco. This makes the Jarren Duran rumors form last month about him being shipped to San Diego all the more ominous, eery, and unfathomable. There is simply no way for the Red Sox to expect to be a playoff pushing team without both D’s. One D would work, but missing double D’s is asinine. And I don’t give a shit about Leo de Vries.

The Red Sox must have gotten a strong package in return, right? The giant prize from the Giants is headlined by Jordan Hicks: beholder of a 6.47 ERA (good for an ERA+ of 59; a.k.a about half as good as the average pitcher) in 13 G (9 GS) and 48.2 IP. The good thing about Hicks is he has 43 K to just 20 BB - I’ll say that. But the rest of his statsheet leaves a LOT to be desired.

Kyle Harrison was the second name I saw included in the deal. Harrison is almost 24 years old, which bodes well in his favor. But, his ERA+ of 84 with 25 K to 9 BB in 23.2 IP leaves him at the base of mediocrity.

Bryce Eldridge is a name I am unfamiliar with in the deal. Upon looking him up, it appears that he is a valuable prospect who touts first base and outfield as his positions: both positions the Red Sox have already solidified for the coming seasons. I know that sounds strange to say with Casas being out for at least a year, but the 20-year old Eldridge is ranked as #12 prospect in baseball by Baseball America and #15 by Baseball Prospetcus. MLB ranks him #19 in baseball. So, he’s more the jewel of the trade - it’d just be great if he could play second base instead. I mean, with Abraham Toro tearing it up with Casas out, first base is occupied. Meanwhile, the outfield of Cedanne Rafaela, Roman Anthony, Wilyer Abreu, and Duran makes it almost impossible for Eldridge to break into the lineup. Guess he’s another trade piece - hopefully for actually good pitching.

I am trying to understand this trade from the Devers camp.He was jostled and fooled all offseason by his employer and expected to be hunky dory with anything that came down the pipeline. For that, I can understand wanting another job. Just this year, I was hired to be a floating para for a middle school classroom. A month and a half into the job, they transferred me to the high school to be a 1:1 without my permission or say or input. And that was fucking annoying and I’m now looking for a job to replace that 1:1 position. So, I kind of understand Devers.

And it was nice of San Francisco to pick up the rest of his contract. Red Sox suits continue to make sure the least enjoyment possible can be found in our favorite baseball club.

Some names I’d have allowed Devers to be traded for without killing myself include: Aaron Judge, Shohei Ohtani, Jose Ramirez, Mookie Betts, Francisco Lindor, Ronald Acuna Jr, Bobby Witt Jr, and maybe Kyle Tucker and James Wood. Gunnar Henderson would also be an entertaining piece and so would Yordan Alvarez. For pitchers, it’d be Mackenzie Gore, Tarik Skull, Zack Wheeler, Paul Skenes, and Hunter Brown. Maybe even Yoshinobu Yamamoto or Max Fried.

I name those names to show the echelon Devers is in. Obviously zero of those trades would be made. Prospects I’d have preferred include Bubba Chandler, Jac Caglianone, Noah Schultz, Chase Burns, and Nick Kurtz (who has a pretty tough name to say out loud). I continue to say these names to show the tiara that Devers is for a team. He’s a crown. And the Red Sox treated him like a handkerchief this season.

Good job, Breslow! You ran your best player out of town. I hope you’re fucking happy.

I’m not actually going to kill myself either over this. Boy is it a good thing I quit drinking because tonight would have been bad.

I have not cried over sports since the 18-0 Patriots lost the Super Bowl, but this got me about as close as I can get to tears. Rory McIlroy almost got me with this most recent Masters. Speaking of golf - JJ Spaun is the worst US Open winner since Michael Campbell 20 years ago. This tournament sucked! Fuck JJ Spaun and fuck Craig Breslow. And FUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKK Craig Breslow again but louder and longer and harder and worse.

Bang, bang, bang. Reload. Bang, bang, bang. That’s the gun to my head. I’m so done with today.

Listen to the next Play Tessie episode for the best information regarding this trade.

Send a coffee to help me peel myself out of bed tomorrow - or else I will be rotting my week away.

If you’re happy about this trade, I hope the San Andreas fault swallows your city tonight.