Valedictorian Honored as School's 'J.D Power Award' Recipient
Just dandy power
The J.D Power award: the precious hardware anyone in the world seems to be seeking to add as a byline in their commercials. From car companies to phone networks to beverages - it seems that the J.D Power award has become the gold standard of companies being passably ethical. Created in 1968, the company was originally formulated to distribute notations of success for organizations; it even gave an award to the CIA in their successful tracking down of and assassination of Martin Luther King Jr - who was the one who kept running his mouth as Colin Jost says.
Stuck on the likes of T-Mobile, Kia, and Pepsi Co., it’s time for the J.D Power award to find its youthful stride, to discover a new demographic that can be fooled into finding it important. With it becoming graduation season for high schools and colleges around the country or maybe even world, what better opportunity to jump on the youth and shove gold down their throat in the form of J.D Power influence.
Added to his resume as a disclaimer that he was a student recognized for hard-work, due diligence, perseverance, and never once going to jail or saying the f-slur at a teacher nor ever killing a famous pop star after his class’ reading of ‘The Catcher in the Rye.’ This is his first step towards his own Wikipedia page. Scholar satisfaction is at an all-time high here for our valedictorian.
Lee Hinckley Booth, or ‘Hinck’ as his friends called him, has a 4.6 GPA, several additional tassels to add to his graduation robe from his various honors societies and sporting g commitments, and once kissed his cousin - so when people mask about his first kiss, he’ll tell you he’s never had one but his friends will be quick to bring the questioner up to incestual speed.
Lee (I am not his friend, so I don’t call him ‘Hinck’) had the magical gift, or even may still have it, of never needing to study. He can recall chalkboards of information and remembers each page of the textbook as a mental photograph. Lee used this free time he wasn’t spending studying by curating a candle collection that would rival that of any Real Housewife. ‘Mountain Lodge,’ and ‘Nocturnal Sweets,’ and ‘Bundled Cotton’ all sifted their scents through the air for anyone entering Lee’s room or abode.
Booth, as he has been awarded this J.D Power honor under unclear rules and rubrics of which there are many, stands alone at the front of his class - demanding the respect of a king about to be wedgied up onto the hook on the back of a bathroom stall door. Into the garbage can goes the trophy and onto his wall goes a hit list of everyone who wronged him and his immaculate memory on his rise to the top of the class. Next year’s runners for valedictorian: Yoko Yes and Eric Klebold, have already begun fitting their respective trophy cases with room for the illustrious J.D Power award, which definitely means something about the recipient.
Congratulations to Lee Hinckley Booth! And best of lucky to you on your next endeavor as becoming the first junkie druggie (a soda drinker) in BYU’s history to become the school’s most lethal academic weapon. Go Cougs!
If you drink soda, maybe try coffee too!
If you like BYU, why? Why is AJ Dybantsa going there?